You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
