these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
