He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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