he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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