Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
