omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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