You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
