Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
