If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
