I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
