I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
