Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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