Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
