My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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