What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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