i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
