I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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