You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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