she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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