Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
