She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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