so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
