Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
