I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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