I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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