I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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