god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
