I think I won the penis lottery.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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