I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
