i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
