Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
