Swine flu is the new snow day.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
