i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
