i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
two words: eviction party
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
