i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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