textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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