I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
