There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
