I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
