Already got asked if we're dating
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
