Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
