so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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