I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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