in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
