my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
