we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
