I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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