She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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