I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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