Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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